


Penance

by ThoughtfulConstellations



Category: Daredevil (Comics), Daredevil (TV), Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel (Movies), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Heartache
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 07:01:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8614207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoughtfulConstellations/pseuds/ThoughtfulConstellations
Summary: It wasn’t like Matt hadn’t been happy in relationships before.  He’d experienced plenty of happiness with past girlfriends, but with Kirsten, the happiness he felt had been different.  With Kirsten, he’d felt a sense of home and belonging that had become so familiar and safe, he hadn’t remembered what life had been like before her.  Suddenly, all of the clichés about love had made sense, and he’d believed in them the way the people of Hell’s Kitchen and San Francisco believed in Daredevil.Anyone who misses Kirsten McDuffie in the current Daredevil run, this one's for you.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I've written any fic, let alone Daredevil fic, but I've really been missing Kirsten McDuffie in the current Daredevil title, and I've been disappointed by how her absence and Matt's reaction to it have been handled, so I wanted to do a little something about that! I usually prefer to write from Kirsten's point of view, but this one felt like it needed Matt's voice and thoughts on how he's dealing with being apart from her (since the actual comic isn't showing it lol). I also feel like Kirsten is very overlooked and undervalued by people (coughthefandomandcharlessoule) so I wanted to bring her back a bit.
> 
> Please let me know what you think, and if you miss Kirsten as much as I do, leave a comment down below! If there's enough interest in it, I'd like to make my Matt/Kirsten multi-chap that covered the time between Daredevil volumes 3 and 4 active again. I've been slacking a lot on writing fic thanks to how hard my depression's kicked back in these days, but if there are some Kirsten + Matt/Kirsten people out there who'd like more Kirsten content due to her being virtually nowhere in current Daredevil (lol), let me know!
> 
> Also, give Adele's "Water under the Bridge" a listen to while reading this because I think it fits the situation! Enjoy! =)

“Please tell me you weren’t following Kirsten home the other night.”

Matt hesitates as he tries to figure out the best answer to give Foggy. If he says no, he’ll be lying, but if he says yes, that means he’s about to receive another Foggy Nelson lecture, and truthfully, Matt’s lectured himself enough over the past year. Nothing Foggy has to say will make Matt hate himself more than he already does, but that doesn’t mean Matt wants to sit through it all.

“Jesus, Matt. You fucked up her life enough, and now you’re following her home? Do you realize how creepy that is?” Foggy asks, the irritation as loud as an alarm bell in his voice. Matt’s jaw clenches briefly, but he forces himself to relax and appear unbothered by Foggy’s anger with him. After all the anger he’s been subject to from his best friend, he would’ve thought he’d be used to it by now, but God loves to test him and prove him wrong.

“I just wanted to make sure she got home safe,” Matt replies. And he’s not lying. He really did want to make sure she got home safe. She’d been out on a date, and it’s New York after all, so there’s no telling what happens to pretty women out after dark without a devil watching out for them. At least, this is how he justifies his actions to himself.

“Matt, you have _got_ to leave her alone,” Foggy says irritably. “You dumped her for a reason, and now you’ve got to live with your decision.”

“Hey,” Matt snaps suddenly. “I didn’t dump her.”

“Oh?” Foggy shoots back, and he stands over Matt, his anger bigger than the both of them. “You didn’t? Because I’m pretty fucking sure you did. You dumped her just like you dumped everyone and everything good in your life.”

“It’s not…it’s not that simple,” Matt says. He can feel the explanations bubbling up deep in his chest, and he knows that this fight will just go in circles because that’s what it’s done ever since he made the deal. Foggy can’t understand, and Matt can’t make him understand, and so around and around in circles they go. “You know it’s not that simple. I couldn’t—“

Foggy cuts him off with a weary sigh. “I’m tired of your bullshit today. I really need to get some things done, and you came by to get the signatures you needed for your firm, so if you’ll take your shit and go…that’d be great.”

Matt swallows hard. He knows he fucked up. He knows it. Even though Foggy insists on reminding him every time they meet up, Matt hasn’t forgotten how much he’s fucked up. How much he’s given up. But he’s tried time and time again to make Foggy understand, and neither of them can seem to get through to the other. Silently, Matt gathers his papers up off of Foggy’s cheap coffee table and puts them back into his briefcase, and he stands. “How is she?”

Foggy scoffs, loud and harsh. “Are you serious? You think you have the right to ask about her?”

“No,” Matt evenly replies. “But I need to know. I’d like to know. She…I just…it’d make me feel better.”

“Well, you know what makes Kirsten feel good? Not being dumped.”

Matt feels Foggy’s retort like a slap across the face, and he physically flinches. Resisting the urge to sigh, he just faces Foggy and asks again. “How is she?”

He hears Foggy’s heart start to pick up the way it does whenever he’s about to deliver another lecture, but then his heart starts to slow back down, and he sighs. “She’s ok. She’s not sitting around and waiting for you if that’s what you think, but actually, I guess you know she’s not if you’re following her home after her dates. And yes, I know. You wanted to make sure she was safe. Well…she was. She was safe, and I think you knew that.”

Matt shrugs a little, ignoring the tug in his chest. “But she’s ok? Really?”

Foggy sighs and runs a hand through his hair, and he gives Matt a long, hard look. Matt can’t see the expression on Foggy’s face, but he can feel the contempt and the frustration. “Yes. She’s ok. Matt…she’s Kirsten. She’s not going to sit at home feeling sorry for herself for long. After what you did to her…just dumping her out of the blue right after you’d been dropping hints about goddamn _proposing_ to her…she’s hurt. She’s hurt, but she’s angry, and so she’s not going to let you win by sitting in her apartment night after night wondering what she did that was so wrong you’d break up with her. That’s just not who she is, and surely you know that by now.”

Matt’s mouth is suddenly dry, and for once, he’s at a loss for words. Since the deal, he hasn’t been ignorant to Kirsten and Foggy’s becoming closer. He hasn’t said anything about it to Foggy for fear of _another_ lecture, but he also feels that it isn’t his place to say anything. As Foggy has made it very clear, Matt no longer has the right to have an opinion on what his former friends do. He made the decision to give up that privilege, and so now he’s got to live with it. And even though he’s been trying to live with it, he can’t help himself from checking in on Kirsten.

If Matt were honest with himself, he’d admit that he was doing it because he misses her. Yes, he cares about her safety, and yes, he wants to make sure she gets home unharmed, but more than anything else, he misses her. If Matt were honest with himself, he’d admit that the deep ache he feels in his chest doesn’t come from feeling like he doesn’t fit in at work—though the fact that he sticks out like a sore and unwanted thumb certainly doesn’t help—but rather from missing Kirsten.

Before the deal, Matt had been happy. He remembers what his life had been like in San Francisco with Foggy and Kirsten, and he remembers happiness. Above all, he remembers a deep sense of happiness he’s never felt anywhere else or with anyone else, and remembering it makes his chest hurt. For the first time in his entire life, he’d been truly happy, and most of the reason had to do with Kirsten.

It wasn’t like Matt hadn’t been happy in relationships before. He’d experienced plenty of happiness with past girlfriends, but with Kirsten, the happiness he felt had been different. With Kirsten, he’d felt a sense of home and belonging that had become so familiar and safe, he hadn’t remembered what life had been like before her. Suddenly, all of the clichés about love had made sense, and he’d believed in them the way the people of Hell’s Kitchen and San Francisco believed in Daredevil.

But then he’d revealed his identity to the world, and he quickly learned that everyone would keep coming for him and for Kirsten. As long as his enemies knew who he was, they knew exactly who to target to hurt him, and the target was always Kirsten. Sometimes Matt thinks that making the deal wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d allowed Kirsten to know, but he finds that it’s dangerous to think that way. There’s no use wondering about what ifs when he’s living the what if he made a reality.

God, he’d been prepared to marry her. He’d been ready to give marriage a go for the second and final time, and on his worst days, he thinks about this tiny little fact. On his very worst days, he even pulls out the ring he’d planned to give her, and he runs his fingers over it as if touching it will be anywhere close to the equivalent of touching her skin. If Foggy knew, he’d have some comment about Catholics and their self-flagellation, which Matt would understand perfectly because it’s true. Perhaps this is his penance more than anything else.

“So you see her often?” Matt asks casually, bringing himself back into the moment.

“Yeah. We meet up and have coffee once a week and complain about you,” Foggy replies, his tone dry and just the slightest bit scathing. Matt suppresses his sigh and continues on.

“You’d tell me if she wasn’t ok?”

Again, Foggy stops and gives him a hard look. “You wouldn’t be asking me if she was ok if you didn’t already know it, Matt.”

Caught, Matt shifts his weight a little and desperately tries to think of something else to say. He knows he should go, but he has 800 questions about Kirsten. How is she? Does she still wear that soft purple shirt when she’s feeling like she deserves to treat herself? Does she still drink dry reds on the weekends? Does she still hum Ke$ha when she’s getting ready to go out? Does she still take a hot bath with lavender when she’s sad and doesn’t know why? He has so many questions but knows he won’t be able to ask them.

So he doesn’t. Instead, he just nods in Foggy’s direction and starts toward the door. “I’ll call.”

He doesn’t wait to hear Foggy’s answer, but he doesn’t need to. Foggy doesn’t answer.

* * *

It’s nearing midnight when Matt, as Daredevil, reaches Kirsten’s apartment. He’d told himself he wasn’t going to do this again, but here he is perched on her rooftop after tracking her all the way back to her place. She’s walking up the stairs to her apartment—he can hear every step she takes in her black Nine West heels, he remembers exactly how they sound—but he’s surprised when she doesn’t stop at her apartment. She keeps walking up higher and higher.

By the time Matt realizes that she’s coming up to the roof, she’s already there, panting hard from walking up all of the stairs. “You think I haven’t noticed you, Daredevil?”

Matt’s heart leaps up into his throat. This is the first time he’s been face to face with her since the deal. Even though it’s killed him, he’s avoided her completely, but now he’s facing her, and he can smell her perfume and her shampoo and her soap. God, he misses her so much, and it’s not just his chest that’s aching but his whole body. “Observant.”

“Chatty,” she shoots back. “What’s the deal?”

 _What’s the deal_ , he wants to ask. _What’s the deal? How are you? Do you still wear that soft purple shirt I love when you feel like you deserve to treat yourself? Do you still drink dry reds on the weekends? Do you still hum Ke$ha when you’re getting ready to go out? Do you still take a hot bath with lavender when you’re sad and don’t know why?_

“Unaccompanied women are often attacked late at night,” Matt says, using his Daredevil voice to hide his real voice. He listens to the sound of Kirsten’s heart as it beats quickly after all the physical exercise she’s done to climb up to the roof. And in heels. Jesus, she’s incredible, he thinks.

“This is the fourth weekend you’ve done it over the course of two months. Why?” she demands. She’s in pure lawyer form, and Matt’s so proud of her he wants to kiss her. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t dare do it.

“You’re working a high profile case that’s being covered practically 24/7 by the media. Do you really want to take the chance of someone retaliating while you’re out on the street alone at night? I don’t,” he replies. He can’t see her face, but he can just _feel_ her frowning at him.

“I think I’ve got it. I carry pepper spray in my bag, and I’m a little quicker on the self-defense than you might think.”

“Taking a couple of classes at the YWCA doesn’t count.”

“You asshole,” she snaps, and for a moment, it’s like they’re fighting over whether to go to the deli down the street or Chinese around the corner again the way they used to when they were together. “Just because you’re Daredevil doesn’t mean you can get away with saying shitty things. For God’s sake, who actually says something like that? The YWCA? Seriously? Of all the chauvinist—“

“My apologies,” Matt says quickly. “My concern for you…it’s important for you to stay alive, Miss McDuffie. Your client needs you.”

“What about all the other pretty young lady lawyers around this city, hmm?” Kirsten asks with a little smirk. “Do you think their clients need them, too? Or is it just mine?”

“Other lawyers aren’t working murder cases like yours,” Matt answers. “I can be in more than one place.”

“Oh, right. I forgot that you have a sidekick. Blindspot.” Kirsten snaps her fingers as she remembers Sam’s superhero name. “So he’s out protecting the other ladies?”

“He’s protecting whoever needs it tonight.”

“And you’re protecting me because…”

“Because you need it tonight, and so does your client.”

Kirsten makes a short sound and folds her arms over her chest. “Alright. You’re off the hook for tonight. But don’t make this whole following me home a regular thing, ok? I’m surprisingly self-sufficient for a girl who went to Stanford Law on Daddy’s credit card.”

Despite himself, Matt remembers just how true that is, and he allows himself to smile a little. “I don’t doubt it.”

Suddenly, Kirsten smiles, curious, and she takes a step forward. “Wait, is that a smile I see? Is _Daredevil_ actually smiling? I didn’t think you could smile.”

Matt takes a step back, recovering from his slip up, and he slides back into complete Daredevil mode. “No.”

“I totally think that was a smile.”

“It wasn’t.”

“Oh, yeah. That was a smile.”

“Miss McDuffie.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave you alone.” She starts walking back to the door that leads back down to her building, but then she stops and looks over her shoulder. “But I’m serious. I don’t want this to be a new thing that happens. You thought you were pretty slick following me without being noticed, but I noticed you, and I think that surprises you. So I’m not as clueless as you think I am, Daredevil, if that _is_ your real name. I can get by on my own.”

“Understood.” Matt nods, and just like that, Kirsten’s gone, and Matt’s alone. His chest constricts, and he has to force himself to breathe. One deep inhale and then one slow exhale. One deep inhale and then one slow exhale. Repeat. Repeat. He has to make the conscious decision to breathe the pain away, and he makes the decision again and again until he feels he can leave. Without waiting, he jumps off the edge of the building and swings off into the night. He did what he needed to do in getting Kirsten home safely, and now he’s got the rest of the city to remember. He tells himself to forget Kirsten and to remember the city. That’s what he needs to focus on now.

But as he swings away, what he doesn’t know is that downstairs in her apartment, Kirsten draws herself a hot bath with lavender.


End file.
